Conversations with Color: Neurodivergent Pagan Experiences with Alex
The interviewer: A magpie deck representing the color Gold.
The interviewee: Alex.
Alex is a 30 year old disabled individual who spends her time balancing her health with trying to find small ways to brighten the days of those in her neighborhood such as hiding small painted rocks, origami animals, or friendship bracelets where they will be protected from the elements but spotted by a keen observer - especially a small one. Alex was raised Jewish and while grateful for her upbringing and still adoring of the community, left to find the connection to the divine she heard people speak about but never felt for herself. She found it with the Greek Gods and has been a Hellenic Polytheist for a couple of years now, with an ever growing number of books as the pursuit for knowledge is her favorite pastime. She has also recently started to slowly introduce more elements of traditional witchcraft (including exploring the traditions of witchcraft from the homeland of her immigrant grandparents) into her practice and find her comfort and footing within that space.
The topic: How Alex's neurodivergence has shaped the way that her deities interact with her to be direct and open.
Gold:
"Hello! Let's take our time with this experience."
[Bryn: This is a little funny because Alex answered the questions pretty quickly but thoughtfully!]
Alex: "Hello! Happy to be here and excited to see what questions come up and the answers they draw."
Gold:
"How do your gods support you when nothing's changing, you're stuck waiting, and there's no fun to be had?"
Alex: "My gods support me via signs that show or remind me that what is happening is simply a moment in time and that change is coming. Apollo often does this via tarot - during one time of waiting, when I was waiting on information and could not do anything about my situation until I had gotten it, I ordered some perfume from another Hellenic Polytheist. She includes a tarot card in each of her shipments, a little spark of divination. The one I received was The Hanged Man, from a set where his face was the sun. I couldn’t have asked for a clearer sign from Apollo - unfortunately the sign was a reminder that I had to wait where I was for now. Another time, more recently, I was walking outside after a big rainstorm. I saw a playing card on the ground, so covered in dirt that at first I thought it was face down. But it was face up, the heart suit clear - I had to wipe the corner to see the 8. The 8 of Hearts is equivalent to the 8 of Cups in a Tarot deck. A card of forward movement. But a card I found buried in dirt and so sopping wet I thought it would disintegrate in my hands - yet the heart was still clear. My health has been a rollercoaster, and a frustrating one of waiting and waiting to find the right treatment. I took the card as a reminder that my health was rough but I was on the right road, and I was starting to get ready to crawl out of the hole of exhaustion. Apollo is probably the most direct between that and also messing with my music playlist to tell me something, but the others all have their way."
Gold:
"Change of scenarios: When things are going great, is there someone most likely to ping you? Least likely to ping you?"
Alex: "If it’s just a good day, singular, probably one of the wind Gods or Helios, Zeus if it’s raining. A feel good day usually means my soul is connected with nature and thus, the Gods who rule over it. If it’s a good set of several days, then it’s most likely Aphrodite, Ares, or Hestia. Least likely would be Thanatos - he rarely pings me, as kind as he may be."
Gold:
"What experiences have you had with your gods when success is achieved, generosity is possible, and suffering is far away?"
Alex: "Oh some truly wonderful ones. Ares has helped me immensely with my phobia of the dentist. I take a specific gemstone that fits into my hand like a worry-stone and I’ll ask him before I leave for his help when I call, and when I do call (trying already on my own) I feel a comforting heaviness settle over my head and shoulders like I’m wearing a matching helmet and breastplate to his depictions and a calmness settles over me nearly immediately. The panic can and usually does spike again, but I can reach for that calm again and again. That’s very different than 5 years ago.
"Another instance that comes to mind I will have to be a bit vague about due to privacy reasons; but someone I came to know about had left an abusive relationship but was dealing with the ex harassing her online and the police doing absolutely nothing. I did a small ritual asking for her protection and for justice to come - I couldn’t tell you why other than something drew me to her. To make a very long story short - I ended up DMing her straight out after I saw some concerning repostings in the middle of the night and wanted to offer a judgement free ear. She took it, eventually I ended up being the one who called the police on her ex directly to file a report after things escalated because I was sick of nothing being done, she now has a protective order and we became best friends. Neither of us have any idea how it happened because there was just an instinctive trust after knowing of each other for a matter of days, so we both chalk it up to our deities meddling and being grateful they did. I’m very grateful but I wasn’t expecting that I was going to be part of the protection blessing - and the deities we believe we most likely to have been the ones pulling some strings, Aphrodite on my side, haven’t truly stopped either."
Gold:
"Is there Someone who's there for you when you're overdoing it and don't have anything to hold onto?"
Alex: "Not any one god in particular - they’ve all found ways to make their presence known, though some are more happen more commonly. Apollo will often mess with my music to send me a song/sign or just straight up make me laugh, especially after I have a cry in front of my altar to them - he’s like an older brother in that moment, jokes that make you roll your eyes and laugh at the same time. I’ll find rocks in my path that when I look into them, have a specific connection to either grounding/mindfulness or a more Buddhist ways of viewing things, that all things are cyclical including good times and bad, and striving for balance and peace is the goal. Those I attribute to the Wind Gods, Zeus, and Helios if it was the sun that caused me to specifically see the sheen of the rock. Sometimes it’s Hestia pulling me closer to her hearth, giving me the focus to clean up a bit of my home and come to the altar with my mind settled and able to meditate with her peacefully for a bit."
Gold:
"Who helps you find new ways of thinking to stand on your own and move away from situations that no longer work?"
Alex: "Ares and Hestia if I’m already thinking for myself and simply need to be reminded of the courage to keep going with a little bit of borrowed steel in my spine from Ares and of the security of what I’ve done already at my back from Hestia and her warmth to re-energize me. If I’m dragging my feet in avoidance then it’s going to be Aphrodite, sometimes with assistance from Apollo. Aphrodite doesn’t push me on the self love and all that because she knows damn well that I’m not there yet, but if I’m in a situation where I’m letting myself be stepped on - that something else entirely and she will let her displeasure be known. People forget that Aphrodite has baneful and war domains as well so she has no problem be firm and unhesitating about exploiting a weakness - including the ones in my own logic until I’m forced to see the situation for what it is. But she never leaves me until it’s solved, I can always ask her for advice or for strength (especially again arrogant men) as long as I’m genuinely trying my personal best."
Gold:
"Thank you for collaborating with me! Goodbye!"
Alex: "Goodbye!"
